I’m exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. I have nothing left in the proverbial tank. I return from work, the desire to run is there but the energy is lacking. By the end of the day. As a social worker and photographer this does little for me or my clients and patients. It stumps any creativity or desire to create. I find myself becoming angry which serves only to completely remove any shred of creativity which was remaining. I’ve lamented the fact that the number of wedding and portrait bookings has decreased but at the same time smile that a can limit yet another week to simply 50-hours instead of the normal 80.
I didn’t just lose my running mojo, I lost my mojo!
When I was younger I used to be able to push through these lows with greater ease, but as I gain years and the commitments asked of me do not fade; pushing through becomes work than it feels like it’s worth. My mood remains elevated. I’m sleeping well and my diet has not changed. My daughter on the other hand has moved back home. I don’t have an issue with her move home; I do however have an issue with her lack of willingness to contribute emotionally and financially. That’s it! I return home hear her complain how bad her life is and see absolutely nothing to even closely mimic a desire to get off your ass and make a better life for yourself.
My last run was Monday morning. It was a horrible run. I never felt comfortable. My arms and legs flailed about as if controlled by an unseen puppet master. I made a conscious decision to not run Tuesday. I woke Wednesday morning to brilliant sunshine. I had the opportunity to sleep further but that was nixed by the depression I felt creeping over me. I rose, walked downstairs and brewed a cup of coffee which sat untouched and grew cold. The couch beckoned. I sat, draped my arm across the back of the couch, my chin resting on my arm. With my other arm I parted the curtains and watched as the world moved on without my presence. When asked what was wrong, I responded, “Nothing.” My energy had drained as did my desire. This morning I received a message from a friend in Florida asking if everything was alright. He had not seen any posts regarding running since Monday and he was concerned.
I return from work every evening surprised that my internal batteries feel recharged. The desire to run partially restored. I wake early in the morning feeling unrested and another non-running day passes. I decided to take the remainder of the week off and assess the possibility of returning for a run on Saturday, when the pressures of the week are few.
In order for me to move forward I have to find a way to let go of this issue with my daughter. My wife refuses to address it and when I address it an argument us sure to follow. I feel so alone in this.