Bitch & Complain

Bitch and complain! This is what I hear most days.

“I can’t-do it!” “My skin is the wrong color!” “No one will give me a chance!” “I don’t have the money!”

Keep bitching and complaining and I ask, “How’s that working for you?”

Keep posting your woe is me story all over Facebook looking for sympathy and again I ask, “How’s that working?”

Sympathy is not what we need. Get off your ass and make things happen. No one ever got ahead from bitching and complaining how bad their life is. No one ever gets ahead by bitching and complaining. Frankly, no one wants to hear it.

So stop bitching and complaining and make something happen! If you need help, ask.

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“I can’t…”

I greet you with hands clasped together in gratitude on this gray morning.

I was asked the other day why I write. I write for one or two basic reasons. I write because it is a release for me. Writing allows me to have a therapy session on paper. Like most people, I have few others in my life who I can trust that they will be honest with me. Honest feedback is what we need. It is what I need and crave. Many years ago I did not crave the honest feedback. It hurt. Hurt is something from which we turn and run. We remember the path and we remain a safe distance from the path.

When I write, I write about life lessons which have impacted my life. There are lessons which are both good and bad. Like most people, I enjoy the positive life lessons and try from time to time to ignore the negative lessons. The negative lessons are the ones which “make me feel bad.” God do I hate this phrase too! There is nothing in life which can make us feel anyway. We choose our response which is colored by the lenses of our perceptions. Enough about this for this is a topic for another day and another time. Anyway, I write to share the life lessons which I have learned.

If we allow ourselves to pay attention to the lessons which we perceive to be negative, hurtful, however, you’d like to label them, then you’re missing out on a lot. There is often more to learn in what we perceive as negative lessons. We can learn how strong how resilient we are or can be. When we make decisions which are not in our best interest, we can learn who we can trust and who in our life we know will be there for us.

There is a word which I hear many times during the day. I have said this word myself and am mindful of the power which I allow this phrase to have when I do use it. The word is “can’t.” The phrase in which we use this word, often without thought is “I can’t.”

In my position as a social worker, I hear this word throughout the day, by clients and staff alike. One day after hearing this word said by one client at least a dozen times, I decided to make a hash mark on a piece of paper every time I hear the word. The photo below is what I came up with.  So you don’t have to spend your time counting the vertical marks, I’ve done it for you. 87 times! 87 times today alone and this was just during the time I spent in my office between 9 AM and 5 PM.

hash-marks

“I can’t.”

Bullshit!

Yes you can!!

Be honest with yourself and honest with others. When you don’t want to do something, tell the individual you won’t. When you remain stuck in the world of “I can’t” you are lying to yourself and to others. Be honest.

I love this saying. I received this as a gift in 1990 from an Executive Director from whom I learned so much as a therapist. I work hard every day to live by these words.

If you cantthink you’re being honest with yourself and others when you say “I can’t…” Please keep walking. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. If you want to tell me you don’t want to help me, that’s cool. I get it. I respect you for your honesty. Now, not everyone will be as easy as I am with your honesty, then I say the Hell with them. Do you really need or want that kind of negativity in your life?

Have you ever really looked at the facial expression of someone when they utter this phrase? Their forehead is wrinkled, their nose scrunched up; their facial countenance is what I would think one’s face would look like when a pile of freshly minted dog feces is passed immediately below one’s nose. We need to show everyone just how genuine and genuinely sorry we are that we “can’t” help them. It is this facial expression which we believe we need because it makes our lie more believable.

We stay away from I won’t because we are concerned we’ll have to explain ourselves, our decisions. So what! Grow a pair and stand up for yourself.

To sum it up; Stop saying “I can’t!” Grow a pair. Pull up your big boy or big girl panties and own your decisions. If you don’t you will allow others to own them. Then you’ll end up in my office because you’re anxious because “people just don’t understand me.”

You’ll live a happier life with less stress and less anxiety. Then you won’t need to come to see me.

Stop complaining!!

Stop complaining!!! No one wants to hear it. If you think people do want to hear you bitch and complain, you are sorely mistaken. I had a great mentor tell me many years ago if I was just going to bitch and complain I needn’t enter his office, but if I had several probable solutions to the problem, we could talk all day.

Let’s talk for a minute why complaining isn’t an effective communication tool.

For one, I don’t want to hear it! No one wants to hear it!

Secondly, it doesn’t help! If you believe it does, please send me an email and let me know. I’ll have to give whatever trick you used to make the act of complaining successful a try. If it works for me I’ll add it to my bag of tricks. Until then, pull up your big boy or big girl pants and deal with the shit storm that can be your life.

Third, you sound like a big baby. I don’t want to be in the vicinity when you’re complaining because I want no one thinking I share your thoughts. I especially don’t want anyone thinking I share your form of ineffective communication.

Just so you know, you’re not anything special. You don’t hold the market on bad decisions, bad times, etc. So stop complaining and whining like you do. I said it before and I’ll say it again. In fact, I’ll keep saying it, “Life sucks sometimes!!!” The sooner you understand and accept that fact, the easier it becomes to seek help and move beyond.

Shit happens, and there are times during life where things don’t go our way. By the way whoever told you you would always get what you wanted when you want it lied to you. Maybe they simply didn’t have the balls to be honest with you. That sucks but it is what it is.

If you keep making bad decisions, stop making bad decisions. If you can’t figure out why you keep making bad decisions, ask for help but by God if you’re going to ask for help follow two simple suggestions. Number one be honest with the person who you are trusting to help you and number two, listen to them and do what they’re asking you to do. If you don’t want help because you’re so narcissistic as to believe that you are the only person on Earth to suffer from such injustices, get over it. If you come to see me for therapy, when I ask why you keep doing what you’re doing, please don’t respond with “I don’t know.” If you’re 10 this is an acceptable response. If you’re an adult I would hope by this time in your life you’ve given this some thought and you have a more intelligent response than “I don’t know.”

If you’re lazy and want to blame others for your life and decisions, see the first paragraph and pull up your big girl/big boy pants. Stop complaining others and grow up and accept the life decisions which you have made which are causing distress in your life. Stop bitching and complaining. I said it once already, life sucks sometimes. Make the best of it.

If you don’t like the people in your life, get rid of them. That also goes for family! And don’t complain to me how you can’t because you’ll hurt their feelings. Please!!

If you want to lose weight, stop blaming everyone for their bad habits which you  want to believe then causes your bad decisions. If you don’t want to be 400 lbs then stop eating and start exercising, watching what you eat and make the necessary behavioral changes in your life to get what you want from life. I once did therapy with a diabetic client who refused to acknowledge his behavior in his disease even after having both legs amputated and being in three diabetic comas.

Some of us allow ourselves to become so entrenched and attached to the negative ways of thinking that we don’t see a way out. Actually, we won’t allow ourselves to see a way out. Again, there is always help. You need to ask for it, be honest with the person you have chosen to trust to help you and by God, follow the often simple suggestions which they are giving you. You are given feedback based on what you are telling that individual. Remember; bad information in, bad information out!